...elusive balance...
I find myself with a growing aversion to Facebook. This world is fraught with negativity, contention, and intolerance (among a billion other things that serve to tear down our spirits) so why come to a place that essentially has become a negativity-freebaser's dream. People hide behind the "anonymity" of the keyboard, the distance of the wireless connection, and the faux confidence that swells in us all when we feel we can share from our own personal pedestal - social media. Nope, I am not an innocent party to this, rather I am striving to learn how weigh others against he same scale upon which I find myself. Perhaps that is the difference. "Cast ye the first stone..." and I used to walk around with an armful. Still I catch myself gathering, on occasion, but to what end? None. We must learn to gaze upon our own reflection from a position that others may see us. Not to the loss of our own morals, identities, and uniqueness. No, truly, it takes all kinds. I do feel, however, if people stepped outside themselves with more frequency we could identify those things that make us so similar...starting with baseline humanity. We very likely will have the living crap scared right out of us in what we find in some people. No one says we have to embrace it, either. However, we will be far more prepared to respond and handle those things that truly are intolerable.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Living deliberately...
I'd sure like to say that I've made great progress since my last post. Such is not the case. I've lost complete traction. Well, that is how it started but to say that now might suggest there has been an active effort to change. To suggest that would be a blatant lie. Outside of the frequent "I need to do something" thought there has been no effort. However, over the last couple of days a though process has begun in my head as I search to once again find my footing. This process was further solidified last night as I watched a documentary entitled "Tiny: A story about living small." As of this writing it is available on Neflix or via purchase at the website home of the movie: Tiny: A story about living small - A documentary It quoted one of my favorite authors and one of my favorite writings...
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner..."
Henry David Thoreau from "Walden"
With regard to my running, fitness, and nutrition, I have been essentially mindless, lacking deliberation and deliberateness. For that matter, my life frequently transects this same concept. The following is the thought process that has grown out of Mr. Thoreau's quote. While it doesn't apply directly to running and fitness, as written, it is no stretch to find clear application. I must move forward with deliberateness or I shall continue to swell into poor health.
I've put a lot of thought into this quote since first reading it some years ago. Last night, watching a documentary called "Tiny: A story about living small" brought forth this concept again. Living deliberately has been lost. We (meaning Americans) have so much we can live mindlessly. We can have so much stuff it gets piled into closets, packed into boxes and stored, perhaps to never be seen in our living years. We can drive to the nearest convenience store and pick from shelves of sweets and boxed foods that have more calories (and lacks most essential nutrients) than many "disadvantaged" humans consume annually. Some of us fret over which shirt to wear when there are people walking this earth rummaging over garbage dumps hoping to find the essentials of survival. We complain about so many things despite having so much. Many accept, even demand, handouts, sin gratas, and gladly wear a label of disabled, disadvantaged, or worse. We do not have to live deliberately as we wallow in plenty. I can't help but wonder if it is this lack of deliberation and deliberateness that has lead to some of the awfulness we see on the news or, in the case of our public safety workers (etc) witness in person.
This is not to say we all should abandoned all that we have... living deliberately is an active process and if a person is content with where he stands then good for him. What I suggest is we explore the idea of living deliberately. For me this will bear disparate consequences than for the next guy. The picture of such will be painted in far different colors, brush to brush.
Nope, I'm not stoned. These are the thoughts that rattle through my head sometimes. LOL It is the evolution of thought that will bring us forward. If you walk away and at least consider what "living deliberately" means, even if the result is diametrically opposed to my statements above, then you've already moved forward from where you woke up this morning.
Have a rockin' day...
Friday, May 16, 2014
Starting over at ground zero is not a bad thing...
I find it rather poetic that my last post, dated April 24th, 2013, was about ownership. I need to go back and re-read it but I have a feeling I, unwittingly, was writing to myself. The first half of 2013 was a great running year for me, completing two half marathons and a 25k all within about 60 days of each other. I was feeling great. I had even registered for a fall marathon; it was to be my first ever full marathon. Then I took a hard fall in mid-way through July and the wheels came flying off the wagon. I knew I was hurt but it wasn't one of those injuries that is so obvious you immediately know it is time for an extended break. The fall came at mile 7 of a 15 miler and I landed hard on my right hip almost falling into traffic. I seldom run that close to traffic, it was just the route of the day. It scared me and I walked about 5 miles of the return trip to my vehicle. After a couple week break I ran again and all seemed well except for an odd, nagging pain in my right buttocks. It wouldn't prevent me from running but the discomfort became a weird tingling and eventual numbness that spread down my leg into the top of my right foot. Again, I could run through it and managed just fine. I consulted fellow runners and read several sources of information and everything pointed to piriformis syndrome. I was owning it alright. NOTHING was going to stop me from running.
Yeah, wrong I was. I decided going back to school to finish my bachelor's degree, online. I didn't properly account for the additional time demands it would bring to the equation. While I immediately realized the marathon was no longer a reasonable goal I still had enough time to train for a 10k and possibly a half marathon. As a matter of fact I was fairing rather well despite the pain and numbness that infiltrated my entire right leg, waist to foot. Summer became fall, fall into winter. I was getting up at 0400 to run before work, working a full day, then coming home to do homework, be a husband, and be a father. The problem was, I had forgotten to be human. "I'm only taking 7 credits," was the reoccurring thought that accompanied "I'm only running 6 miles at a stretch." Something was bound to give, right?
Give it did. I managed through the winter OK... even making sure I got an outside run in January 1st. It was nothing heroic but I rang in the year with a run just the same. The winter of 2013-14 was unusually cold and a protracted cold at that. For the record, as I began typing this on the morning of May 16, 2014, it was lightly snowing outside. (that alone makes a guy want to step outside and scream at the clouds) I was running 4-5 times a week, most of those days started at the stated 0400. I'd reached my distance limit without getting up even earlier but by this time I had come to realize fatigue was winning that battle. In late February I began having heart palpitations, often random, throughout the day. They'd come and go for no particular reason. Given my background I had enough medical training to do a quick check - no associated weakness, chest pain, nausea, sweating, nor faintness. It was rather uncomfortable and caused me to catch my breath on occasion but I wasn't breathless, if that makes any sense. Yes, I will admit, there was a sprinkle of denial there also. I never noticed it while running and it usually started while at rest - which, most of my job is sitting at a desk where I can pay particular attention to the discomforting sensation. I gave up coffee, diet soda, and energy drinks - all within the repertoire of keeping me upright through any given day. Eventually it was occurring so frequently I decided to see a doctor. A running friend had told me I wasn't getting enough sleep and that was the likely cause. Lack of sleep? C'mon.
Doctor visits don't bother me. Sure, I might be mildly uncomfortable as I anticipate the mini-lecture about loosing weight, that I am long overdue for a physical, and the general mild chastisement any doctor gives his patients. However, I can normally visit the doctor with relative ease. Not on this occasion. I could not relax. Despite giving up the caffeine I was still experiencing the symptoms and I didn't want to hear the possibilities. The nurse took my pulse and blood pressure, both of which were markedly elevated. Also up was my weight, by about 15 pounds since my last visit to the office some months before. This clearly was not shaping up to be a happy, "keep up the great work," visit. "Ok, take off your shirt..." was the last instruction she gave me before exiting the room for a moment. God in heaven WHY? I don't like looking in the mirror let alone getting my hulk undressed at the demands of a woman with whom my only relationship was checking my vital signs and a polite smile. Go ahead and think "she's only a nurse." You're right and I know. An overdeveloped self consciousness has always been an issue for me. None the less, I followed her demands and disrobed from the waist up. She returned to the room and performed an EKG with hardly a word except to instruct me to go ahead and get dressed again. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit the snarky thought, "Is it really that bad" entered my mind.
After about 20 minutes the doctor came into the room and did the usual once over. He sat down as we chatted and reviewed the results of the EKG. I told him I'd given up coffee, diet soda, and energy drinks and he was sincere despite sounding incredulous when he congratulated me in taking that big step. He then sat back with a sigh and I prepared myself for the news. What he was about to say could change the way I approached many things, including running, forever. Something so simple as being hooked up to a machine that reads the electrical impulses could provide a window into my heart, truly. Imagine my relief when he said it was completely normal. I even gave a nervous chuckle of relief at his disclosure that my heart was not at about to explode right out of my chest. I wasn't exactly happy about what he said next, though. "Get more rest and keep running." Well, isn't that the million dollar equation. Happy that death was not imminent but discouraged that yet another reliable source told me that I needed more sleep I left the doctor's office in search of a new plan. Ultimately that plan was give up getting up at 0400 to run and getting more sleep.
I'd sure like to be able to share some success story, on how I was able to manipulate my schedule, adjust y running, and it all worked out. It didn't. I was discouraged. I was busting my arse at work, home, and getting my online classes done. I let discouragement steal an opportunity to overcome a challenge. I was spent and just gave in and quit running after brief and sparse effort to simply get up later. I suppose my mindset was "if I can't run the mileage I want then I'm not running at all." Super healthy, I know. My last logged run as March 15th, 5 miles on the treadmill. What it did allow was more sleep. Instead of getting up at 0400 I was getting up at 0530 to get ready for work. Over the course of about three weeks the occasional heart palpitations nearly completely disappeared. My caffeine intake is still 90% less than what it used to be despite allowing myself to drink a cup of 50/50 caf/decaf coffee periodically. I was still pretty exhausted most days as I tended to my other responsibilities. Running was just going to have to wait.
Fast forward 8 weeks later. In those two months I've not given up on the thought of running but my attitude was not good. I ate and drank whatever I wanted and in whatever quantity I wanted. Sort of a masochistic approach of feeding one desire while punishing one's self for neglecting another. I ate well, drank good beer, and did so often. I won't pretend to be some psychological expert but I know enough that it is all to easy to trade off one hobby for another and eating good food and drinking good beer is a hobby that is not difficult to learn. As a result, my weight is back to where it was in 2006, when I first started running. It was already up before taking the break despite my running but I'd hazard a guess I'm up 10-15 lbs over the last 8 weeks. Surprisingly enough my pulse and blood pressure have returned to normal and acceptable levels now that school is over. I'd expect them to stay elevated for sake of failing to run. At the same time it is also a testament to the lasting benefits of running even when it isn't possible. Whatever the case may be it was going to turn into something very ugly unless I owned and fixed the problem.
So, in the spirit of ownership, I will own that I need to be done with excuses of why I cannot run. School is over and I am rested. I weighed in at 244.8 lbs which is not my heaviest but is within ounces of the my 2006 decision to run weight. I am a firm believer that if you own it you are already ahead of the game in this world. It is my problem and only I can fix it. My intent here is to log my progress and struggles. This will require a new level of commitment that I had not taken on before. I've kicked around the idea often but have never truly committed to detailing my path. What better time than when I'm starting back over almost completely. The advantages I have before is a better understanding of who I am, my physiology, and some remnant fitness. The disadvantages are I am not in my mid-40's instead of my mid-30's. 10 years makes a huge difference. Still, I'm on board. I kicked it off today by jumping on my treadmill (remember, it snowed today) and followed the Couch to 5K (C25k) week one-day one plan. According to the treadmill I covered just over 2 miles in about 32 minutes. Disgustingly slow compared to what I was once capable of but far better than wallowing in self pity and shoving cheese burgers and fried into my face.
I look forward to sharing this with you and hope you see, except for a minority, running for the layperson is no different a struggle than everyday life. It has it ups and downs. It comes with frustrations, enlightenment, challenges, and elation. I've been down this path similarly before and am ready to take it on again, with ownership. If you have stumbled across this blog and wish to share you own story or feedback I'd love to hear it. Email me at vancewillrun @gmail.com
'Til the next mile...
Vance
Yeah, wrong I was. I decided going back to school to finish my bachelor's degree, online. I didn't properly account for the additional time demands it would bring to the equation. While I immediately realized the marathon was no longer a reasonable goal I still had enough time to train for a 10k and possibly a half marathon. As a matter of fact I was fairing rather well despite the pain and numbness that infiltrated my entire right leg, waist to foot. Summer became fall, fall into winter. I was getting up at 0400 to run before work, working a full day, then coming home to do homework, be a husband, and be a father. The problem was, I had forgotten to be human. "I'm only taking 7 credits," was the reoccurring thought that accompanied "I'm only running 6 miles at a stretch." Something was bound to give, right?
Give it did. I managed through the winter OK... even making sure I got an outside run in January 1st. It was nothing heroic but I rang in the year with a run just the same. The winter of 2013-14 was unusually cold and a protracted cold at that. For the record, as I began typing this on the morning of May 16, 2014, it was lightly snowing outside. (that alone makes a guy want to step outside and scream at the clouds) I was running 4-5 times a week, most of those days started at the stated 0400. I'd reached my distance limit without getting up even earlier but by this time I had come to realize fatigue was winning that battle. In late February I began having heart palpitations, often random, throughout the day. They'd come and go for no particular reason. Given my background I had enough medical training to do a quick check - no associated weakness, chest pain, nausea, sweating, nor faintness. It was rather uncomfortable and caused me to catch my breath on occasion but I wasn't breathless, if that makes any sense. Yes, I will admit, there was a sprinkle of denial there also. I never noticed it while running and it usually started while at rest - which, most of my job is sitting at a desk where I can pay particular attention to the discomforting sensation. I gave up coffee, diet soda, and energy drinks - all within the repertoire of keeping me upright through any given day. Eventually it was occurring so frequently I decided to see a doctor. A running friend had told me I wasn't getting enough sleep and that was the likely cause. Lack of sleep? C'mon.
Doctor visits don't bother me. Sure, I might be mildly uncomfortable as I anticipate the mini-lecture about loosing weight, that I am long overdue for a physical, and the general mild chastisement any doctor gives his patients. However, I can normally visit the doctor with relative ease. Not on this occasion. I could not relax. Despite giving up the caffeine I was still experiencing the symptoms and I didn't want to hear the possibilities. The nurse took my pulse and blood pressure, both of which were markedly elevated. Also up was my weight, by about 15 pounds since my last visit to the office some months before. This clearly was not shaping up to be a happy, "keep up the great work," visit. "Ok, take off your shirt..." was the last instruction she gave me before exiting the room for a moment. God in heaven WHY? I don't like looking in the mirror let alone getting my hulk undressed at the demands of a woman with whom my only relationship was checking my vital signs and a polite smile. Go ahead and think "she's only a nurse." You're right and I know. An overdeveloped self consciousness has always been an issue for me. None the less, I followed her demands and disrobed from the waist up. She returned to the room and performed an EKG with hardly a word except to instruct me to go ahead and get dressed again. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit the snarky thought, "Is it really that bad" entered my mind.
After about 20 minutes the doctor came into the room and did the usual once over. He sat down as we chatted and reviewed the results of the EKG. I told him I'd given up coffee, diet soda, and energy drinks and he was sincere despite sounding incredulous when he congratulated me in taking that big step. He then sat back with a sigh and I prepared myself for the news. What he was about to say could change the way I approached many things, including running, forever. Something so simple as being hooked up to a machine that reads the electrical impulses could provide a window into my heart, truly. Imagine my relief when he said it was completely normal. I even gave a nervous chuckle of relief at his disclosure that my heart was not at about to explode right out of my chest. I wasn't exactly happy about what he said next, though. "Get more rest and keep running." Well, isn't that the million dollar equation. Happy that death was not imminent but discouraged that yet another reliable source told me that I needed more sleep I left the doctor's office in search of a new plan. Ultimately that plan was give up getting up at 0400 to run and getting more sleep.
I'd sure like to be able to share some success story, on how I was able to manipulate my schedule, adjust y running, and it all worked out. It didn't. I was discouraged. I was busting my arse at work, home, and getting my online classes done. I let discouragement steal an opportunity to overcome a challenge. I was spent and just gave in and quit running after brief and sparse effort to simply get up later. I suppose my mindset was "if I can't run the mileage I want then I'm not running at all." Super healthy, I know. My last logged run as March 15th, 5 miles on the treadmill. What it did allow was more sleep. Instead of getting up at 0400 I was getting up at 0530 to get ready for work. Over the course of about three weeks the occasional heart palpitations nearly completely disappeared. My caffeine intake is still 90% less than what it used to be despite allowing myself to drink a cup of 50/50 caf/decaf coffee periodically. I was still pretty exhausted most days as I tended to my other responsibilities. Running was just going to have to wait.
Fast forward 8 weeks later. In those two months I've not given up on the thought of running but my attitude was not good. I ate and drank whatever I wanted and in whatever quantity I wanted. Sort of a masochistic approach of feeding one desire while punishing one's self for neglecting another. I ate well, drank good beer, and did so often. I won't pretend to be some psychological expert but I know enough that it is all to easy to trade off one hobby for another and eating good food and drinking good beer is a hobby that is not difficult to learn. As a result, my weight is back to where it was in 2006, when I first started running. It was already up before taking the break despite my running but I'd hazard a guess I'm up 10-15 lbs over the last 8 weeks. Surprisingly enough my pulse and blood pressure have returned to normal and acceptable levels now that school is over. I'd expect them to stay elevated for sake of failing to run. At the same time it is also a testament to the lasting benefits of running even when it isn't possible. Whatever the case may be it was going to turn into something very ugly unless I owned and fixed the problem.
So, in the spirit of ownership, I will own that I need to be done with excuses of why I cannot run. School is over and I am rested. I weighed in at 244.8 lbs which is not my heaviest but is within ounces of the my 2006 decision to run weight. I am a firm believer that if you own it you are already ahead of the game in this world. It is my problem and only I can fix it. My intent here is to log my progress and struggles. This will require a new level of commitment that I had not taken on before. I've kicked around the idea often but have never truly committed to detailing my path. What better time than when I'm starting back over almost completely. The advantages I have before is a better understanding of who I am, my physiology, and some remnant fitness. The disadvantages are I am not in my mid-40's instead of my mid-30's. 10 years makes a huge difference. Still, I'm on board. I kicked it off today by jumping on my treadmill (remember, it snowed today) and followed the Couch to 5K (C25k) week one-day one plan. According to the treadmill I covered just over 2 miles in about 32 minutes. Disgustingly slow compared to what I was once capable of but far better than wallowing in self pity and shoving cheese burgers and fried into my face.
I look forward to sharing this with you and hope you see, except for a minority, running for the layperson is no different a struggle than everyday life. It has it ups and downs. It comes with frustrations, enlightenment, challenges, and elation. I've been down this path similarly before and am ready to take it on again, with ownership. If you have stumbled across this blog and wish to share you own story or feedback I'd love to hear it. Email me at vancewillrun @gmail.com
'Til the next mile...
Vance
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