I recently applied secure interviews for two leadership positions within the same organization. The first time around was back in January of this year and it was for the position of Director. I've been readying myself for this sort of position since 1996. I've put my time in on the floor and have been in a supervisory roll for the last 9 years. I had some misgivings about a few aspects of the job but if there was one thing I know about myself its that I can pick things up pretty quick. I walked in and OWNED the interview panel. Owned them, I did. However, I didn't sell them my leadership abilities. I didn't even get a second interview. This sent me into a momentary tailspin of self doubt and, frankly, a little depression. The sort of inconsolable place that the kind words of friends and family made the feeling worse. I was deflated, truly feeling deflated. Thankfully, I was able to move past that point which I equate to screaming into a pillow. That sort of action; the kind that lets out hurt and frustration but does little more to help better the the situation in the long term. Figuratively I picked myself up and formed a plan. I emailed one of the members of the interview board and asked for, and received, feedback. The one point that keeps coming back to me was I did not "illustrate my leadership experience." Sure, I can tell them all day and tomorrow that I am a good leader, but I have to show them, through solid examples. I did not do that part. I looked back at my answer, playing them over on the big movie screen in my head. He was right, I didn't. Lesson learned. Focus gain. Moving on.
The upside of not getting that position of Director was a friend did - as a matter of fact, I had stepped into his office following my own interview and told him "...if I don't get it, I hope you do." That was sincere; not a simple courtesy gesture. I'd worked in the field with him for over a decade and knew he has what it takes to make a good leader. When it was eventually announced he had been given the position I was excited for him. Ray, you will do very well at the head of that organization.
Now, March of this year. Ray had decided to not fill his old position of Systems Administrator and convinced his Board to allow him to create the position of Operations Manager. A friend that works for his organization asked if I would apply for the position. I'd like to say it was an immediate "YES!", but it wasn't that simply. I'd been passed over once before, why would they consider me again - this was the primary argument my brain settle upon. However, reason won out, I still had the focus from being passed over for Director, and if the worst thing I had to face was fear of rejection then there was nothing to fear at all. I reworked my cover letter, adjusted my resume, and boldly sent out the application package well before the deadline. It was done. All I had to do was wait for a call if they wanted to interview me. It came, in the form of a text message from Ray, but it came. I had an interview.
The theme of the next week and a half was INSOMNIA. I slept worse in those 10 days than I had in the two weeks leading up to the interview for Director. I read, and reread the job description and the same conclusion kept coming to my mind - this job was mine as long as I followed the advice provided by the Board member. I knew that part of the job was going to be somewhat IT related and "techy" but I knew enough to get a good start and learn the rest as it came along. I struggled not to be overconfident, to not picture myself moving down to the area and working for this organization. I believe in positive thinking but I also fearing the possibility of rejection all over again. That was a long 10 days.
The day of the interview I was up early and on the road for the 2 hour drive. "Illustrate your answers" kept playing over in my mind. I'd been preparing myself for this interview, reminding myself to slow down, speak clearly and purposefully, to sound like a leader, etc. Arriving about 20 minutes early I studied my notes; I was as ready as I'd ever be.
I was the first to be interviewed. Instead of the Board it was Ray and another, former member, of the local public safety field. The interview lasted 35 minutes and consisted of a number of specific question related to leadership, interpersonal communication abilities, and of course IT. If I walked out feeling like I owned the interview for Director, I knew I had actually owned this interview except for the chink in the armor, the IT questions. I walked out feeling very good about the interview, even with the weak answers surrounding the IT portion. The job description played back in my mind. It discussed IT but made it sound the primary focus would be personnel management and interpersonal communication with the agencies served and the public. This was my strong suit. I knew if those things weighed at least equally heavy as the IT then the job was mine. I am still sure of that even as I type this. Sad to say, it wasn't. Ray called me that evening to let me know he had selected another person based on his need for an individual with strong IT qualifications. As he spoke I felt the wind escaping from beneath my wings. Even his words "If we were looking for a traditional Operations Manager, you'd be at the top of the list" were of little consolation. Ouch, that strangely hurt. I parted our brief phone conversation with a sincere offer, "If you ever need anything, call me and I am there."
This all took place less than a week ago now, last Friday as a matter of fact. That evening was spent in deep retrospect. Was there anything else I could have done to demonstrate my abilities? Was I really not good enough? Did I talk so fast I didn't give myself time to think and, thus, illustrate my abilities? I'm not above admitting there was even a brief pity party. The difference was, however, I quickly decided that that will be the last time, ever, that I am passed over because I don't have the knowledge base to demonstrate what I truly know. I know whom Ray selected and, while I don't know him, I have little doubt he has significantly stronger abilities and experiences in the IT world. Even if I was able to talk the talk to the level of my abilities I still may not have been selected for the position. Again I revisited the official job description and I was tempted to feel offended by what I read; it simply did not put as much weight on the IT portion of the job as the job was really going to demand.
It was right there I made the conscious choice to own the steamy pile of disappointment and take matters into my own hands. Let it be know I truly trust Ray and know he made the right choice based on his true needs. So, instead of blaming things outside my control I now take ownership over that which I must control. I have scheduled a phone conference with Ray this coming Friday to pique his brain and gain a better focus, to find a launching point, to fill in the knowledge I don't presently have. This is a "me" problem. I am not the victim of a weak job description. I have not lived completely in a box for the last 19 years of my career. I know the technological changes facing my field are numerous and on going. If I don't take full ownership of this situation then I will get nowhere and I will likely never gain the position my heart so deeply desires.
For my running friends you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with running." Running to me is my most successful example of ownership. This young blog has detailed something that is central to my existence - realizing no one could save me from an early death, except me. As people, as runners, parents, students, whatever title you bear, you have to own those things which you can control. Yes, most certainly yes, there will be things that come up in life that are beyond your control and very likely rob you of periods of joy and success. Through a process you can come to see that it is ok to feel bad about those moments but there also comes a time when you need to pick up the pieces and move on. "Pissing against the wall" is the phrase that comes to mind when I envision how much energy I wasted, as a younger person, being angry and resentful at things beyond my control. Instead of taking my life by the reins and heading in a different direction I let myself be the tiny metal ball in a game of Pachinko, getting bounced every which way, having no control over my own destiny, hoping I'd end up scoring high and being disappointed when I didn't. Enough is enough, yeah? Own it, baby, own it. We strap on our running shoes when it's cold and wet outside and our minds tell us we don't want to get out there. We hit the weight machines when we'd rather just take a break. We pick up the pieces, we move forward, and when in control, a better direction.
I look outside right now and see the freshly fallen snow on this late April day. Frankly, it disgusts me. (laughing at the ridiculousness) I want 60+ degrees and sun to run in. It has been a long winter and it simply won't die. However, what can I do to change it? Well, moving south is not an invalid possibility, right? I'd just have to own the idea, quit my job, sell my house, and move south. It would be very complicated process but as long as I were willing to take on all that was necessary to make it possible, it is possible, no? It isn't an option that I'm truly considering but it makes the illustration that we often let things own us and, thus, dictate where we end up. I could have allowed myself to wallow in self pity and disappointment of missing this job opportunity. Instead, I will own the fact there are things I can learn that will prevent this from happening again under similar circumstances. Plain and simple. Life sucks at times, that is a fact. It's how we handle ourselves after those moments that demonstrate if you truly grasp the concept of ownership. If more people truly understood it, we'd be in a much better place.
Thank you, that is my two cents on this one.
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